porter square

the neighborhood I live in is called Porter Square. It has the largest escalator/flight of stairs I've ever seen.

That's 117 steps. I've counted them. I walk them from time to time. There's an additional two sets of stairs to get from the surface to the subway--I think there's about 200 total steps.

That's probably about the most notable thing about Porter. The other squares seem to be more interesting/trendy/busy, but I'm kind of glad to be living in a fairly lackluster neighborhood. It means there aren't tourists everywhere all the time and that there's a regular grocery store within walking distance. Also, there's the occasional turkey. I spotted a turkey in the Star Market (grocery store) parking lot one afternoon, and then again several days later in a neighbor's driveway. Apparently wild turkeys make their way into Somerville every now and then. I have pictures on my phone but I can't figure out how to transfer them over to my computer at the moment.

getting places

I've been wanting to write about public transit for a while but it's something that seems mundane when I try to put any structure to it. It's like if you were to ask me about a morning run--there are so many things I find interesting about running every day but once I start to talk about them I realize that they're probably only interesting to me, and I sift out the only things I can think of that might make sense to someone else--"Oh, it was good. I had a little bit of back pain though"--instead of saying "well at first I really didn't want to be running because the wind was against me and I don't like being windburned but then I saw the person who takes the money out of the parking meters and I think the contraption they deposit the quarters into is interesting and I think that homeless guy lives on that park bench because I see him every morning and the traffic is much different at 7am then 8am and that's strange to me and I feel less guilty running through Harvard Square than walking because the homeless people don't expect me to have spare change when I'm running and the river is really pretty in the morning although I'm afraid of getting run over by bicycles so sometimes I run on the apartment side of the street which is interesting too because there are sprinklers that I can cool off in and I wonder why none of these parks have water fountains and the mile between these two bridges seems to be way longer than a mile and a bird has built her nest under the bridge...", on and on for five to seven miles of distractions I found while running.

If you stuck through those sentences I figure you might stick through a few more about other ways of getting from point A to point B.

The thing I find the most strange about living here is how close together everything is. Work, in the city of Cambridge, is about 2.5 miles away from my apartment, in the city of Somerville. Church, in Medford, is three miles away. The middle of Boston is about 4 miles away. In the South cities have gaps in between them, while here they run into each other unceremoniously.

I live near the Somerville/Cambridge city line, so I have seen at least four of these on the streets I frequent. I wonder, why not merge them all into larger cities? Is it really that different to live in Somerville than it is to live in Cambridge? (Two girls on the bus today seemed to think so, at least, as I overheard that one was sad to be moving away from Cambridge to an apartment in Davis Square, which is in Somerville, about a mile north of the Cambridge city line.)

The density of the city is also different than anything I'm used to. I feel like the entire city of Clemson, people, campus (well, minus the farmland), businesses, and all, could probably be squished together and contained in about three city blocks here. There are two grocery stores and probably about 50 restaurants and small businesses within easy walking distance from me. It's overwhelming, really.

It is amazing how long it takes to get to places that are so close together! Work, which I could run to in well under 25 minutes, takes me 30 minutes to get to every day. Getting to the USS Constitution, only 3.7 miles away (which I could probably run in 35 minutes) will take 41 minutes using public transit. Do I want to run everywhere? No. I just think it is interesting to think that I'm faster than a train at getting places sometimes.

There's just a whole different mentality you have to take with public transit, a certain amount of patience and flexibility that you have to develop. The train or bus is not always going to be on time, and there's nothing you can do about it but wait for it or catch the next one, so you never can plan on being anywhere at a precise time as you might be able to do with a car when you have control over the route you take and the speed you travel. One of my roommates got stuck in the subway tunnel for three hours. It happens sometimes. Several times the bus I've been on time and waiting for has driven straight past me, and I've had to wait for the next one. It's infuriating, but what can you do? And everything takes so much planning. Getting from A to C can be a totally different route than from B to C, even if B seems to lie directly in the middle of the two. Buses may take more direct routes but may come too early or too late, while trains will be consistent but may take longer, so you have to weigh route decisions carefully.

And it may be quicker to walk, or wait for a bus, but what if it is pouring down rain? I'm only home tonight because there was a chance of strong storms and hail that I wasn't willing to risk. I was supposed to be going to a demo night at MIT, but that requires about 15 minutes of walking outside and a 10 minute subway ride, and those 15 minutes in the wind and rain (and possibly hail!) would have been enough to leave me dripping wet by the time I got there. So, no demos for me. The weather is a constant factor in deciding how to get where, and whether getting there safe and sound is even feasible.

There's also the continual variability of the driver (friendly? cranky? overly aggressive in driving?) and the variety of the other passengers that keeps things entertaining. The homeless and/or drunk folks are often the most chatty. If there's a sporting event, the whole train or bus might be cheering together. I think that the T is interesting because it might very well be the most casually social place in the city. Despite the general reserved nature of the folks in New England (people raise their eyebrows when I say "good morning" to them on my way to work) it's not uncommon to strike up a conversation with a stranger at the bus stop or subway. This is especially interesting because so many different people ride the T--different nationalities, socioeconomic levels, and age groups. So it's probably also the most diverse place in the city.

I am so glad I didn't bring my car here because I would have been a nervous wreck trying to drive in all the traffic and general chaos of a city, but I do miss being able to go where I want when I want to and not having to take into account transit schedules, maps, and weather before I go anywhere beyond walking distance. It'll be another two and a half weeks before I am reunited with Big Red (my car) but I am certainly looking forward to it!

memorable

Well, I'm certainly glad I decided early on to not try to do a blog post a day because if I did I would feel like a miserable failure by now. There have been a lot of things happening that I think are interesting, but in the past month or so when I get a spare minute it's been spent doing something else--catching up on sleep, calling my family on the phone, cleaning my ever-unruly room (I am typically a neat housekeeper but there's only so much you can do without enough organizational space for things!), or other mundane housekeeping kind of things. It's amazing how much time the necessities plus a full time job can actually take--from 7am to 7pm I'm pretty much booked, getting ready, commuting, going to work, and making and cleaning up from dinner.

At any rate, there are things that I do want to record about this summer, so here goes.

Last year, when my family went to Kiawah Island for the week (we typically go every year), one day we decided that we were going to ride the Thriller boat. None of us were quite sure how good it would be but Dad was really excited so we started driving into town for it.

On the way from Kiawah to Charleston, it started pouring down rain--not just a summer shower, but cold, hard rain, and wind. The boat ride was rain or shine, though, and the tickets were already paid for and nonrefundable, so we proceeded on to the parking lot. We were all in kind of a poor mood; things that day weren't turning out as planned overall. Once we parked, all of us continued to take refuge in the car, except my middle sister, Victoria. She told us that the trip would at least be memorable, and proceeded to dance in the rain in the parking lot. (This is the way Victoria consistently lives. She has had the most difficult struggle in school of anyone I know, yet she never loses hope and has continued to live with generosity, compassion, hope, and joy.)

The boat ride turned out to be great fun, despite being slapped in the face by the rain and the waves. However, one of the priceless snapshots in my mind, is looking back at my youngest sister, Briana, who we affectionately nickname Squidward for her occasional indifferent-to-negative outlook on life (although she has so many excellent qualities, which I will later write about!). When I looked back at her, she had the perfect Squidward expression on her face and was evidently not enjoying herself at all. I believe that we captured that moment on film and often laugh about it as a family.

Things this summer have definitely not gone as I planned them in most every aspect of life. There have been a lot of days of pouring rain (both literally and figuratively!) that have made it more difficult than it had to be. Some days I know I've been a Squidward and have been turned skeptical and calloused by the circumstances, but in the past few weeks I've been thinking more and more about Victoria dancing in the rain in the parking lot, making it memorable. If it can't be good, it might as well be memorable, so that is what I will aim for.  I want to have enough courage, hope, and sense to step back from the immediate circumstance and see how I can at least make this a good story in the end, becoming a strong character, growing richly, choosing the path of adventure and not wavering when it comes to the things I know are most important.

Thanks, Victoria, for your example. I admire you so much more than you can imagine!

favorite routines in Boston

Obviously, the day-by-day approach is not working out for me. Honestly I think it's mostly because when I sit down to write about what happened on any given day I realize that the only interesting things that happened are probably only interesting to me and not a wider audience, and are therefore not worth writing about, really. So I'm going to take a different approach and just write about loosely categorized things that I think might moderately interesting to people who care about me.

I am the type of person who likes structure and routine. To me, there's something comforting about knowing what to expect each day and being able to separate things out into little sections of time for various tasks. So here are the routines I've fell into since I've moved to Boston.

I have a skylight directly above my bed, and I've always been one to rise with the sunlight, so for my first two weeks here I woke up at promptly 5:06AM each morning, struggled to get back to sleep for a long time, and then finally got out of bed at 6 or so. That got old real quick, so last Monday I walked over to the Family Dollar, bought a roll of aluminum foil, and taped sheets of it over my windowshade. I've been sleeping until 7 or so since then, and taking some awesome naps in the middle of the day as well.

I get up and eat breakfast (breakfast of choice lately has been bagels, although I bought some frosted mini wheats this week that I'm pretty excited about), put in my contacts, and brush my teeth. I put on gym clothes and pack work clothes in a bag. Then I pack lunch. I bring my lunch every day because it's a whole lot cheaper than going out anywhere. CRA caters in lunch for meetings a lot, so usually once a week or more I get a break.

When it's nice out, I walk to the bus stop at a local park, walking through residential areas and passing by a community garden, an elementary school, and a really neat park composed of all this netting where kids can go climbing up and down it. When it's not nice out, I have to make one of the scariest street crossings ever and get to the subway station, which then takes me to another subway station where I catch the bus to work.

I work out first thing in the morning, usually only for a half-hour or so because I wasted too much time laying around in bed in the morning, haha. The gym at work has a few treadmills and an elliptical. When the weather is nice sometimes I run around Fresh Pond, which is very pretty and has nice, paved, shaded trails and some water fountains along the way.

After showering and getting dressed, I usually get to work around 9, and then I work until 5:30.

Every day we meet up in the kitchen for lunch. My lunch always looks much tastier than whatever everyone else buys at the grocery store :) Usually after lunch I make a cup of coffee using the Flavia machine. I have figured out the technique for the perfect cup of coffee: cover the bottom of the cup in a thin layer of sugar, pour in two half and half cups, then brew a cup of French Roast over top of it. Mmm. So far I only like the French and Espresso roasts...all the other blends I've tried have been too weak.

After work there really is no routine. Some days I go straight home and make dinner. On nice days I tend to go walking and wander around my neighborhood finding out what's nearby. The evenings and weekends are the times I tend to get most homesick because there's little structure to them. In the evenings I'm kind of afraid to go wandering out alone and I haven't made good enough friends to go hang out with them. On the weekends it's just hard to find enough things to fill up the time. But, I've got a couple little weekly traditions I look forward to.

My favorite thing to do on the weekends is go to the Haymarket. People buy up the produce that the groceries store don't buy and then sell it for really cheap on Friday and Saturday. Here is what I got this week:

That is: a pound of snow peas, the biggest yellow pepper you've ever seen, a bag of spinach, a box of blackberries, a bunch of asparagus, about 3 lbs of green beans, a little over a pound of grapes, and a pound of some interesting fruit (front middle of the table) that I wish I could remember the name of. I paid a total of $9 for all that. Last week I think I got a pound of green beans, seven oranges, ten apricots, three bell peppers, and two pounds of grapes for $8. At those rates I think I'm eating cheaper here than I typically do at Clemson!

The Haymarket area also has a shop that sells Arabic food, and sells goat meat. I want to visit there someday soon because I bet I could find some really interesting things there. Maybe I'll venture there next weekend.

My other weekly routine that I look forward to is swing dancing on Wednesday nights. MIT puts on a free lesson and dance every week. I've been two weeks so far and have had a great time both nights! The crowd is friendly, and the gender ratio is about even so I rarely have to sit out a dance...unless they're dancing something I don't know. There's a lot of "blues" dancing at this dance, and most people are Lindy Hoppers, which I can kind of adapt to, but not very well! Everyone's been really nice, though, and  some people have even been patient enough to teach me a few things.  The first time I went swing dancing I ended up meeting a guy who had lived in Clemson for several years! What a small world! We danced together and reminisced about Super Taco for a long time.

I'm trying to find other ways to fill my time. I read Icy Sparks last week to take up a couple evenings, which I would recommend as a decent read. I'm trying to decide how to get involved in a church group, although honestly I'm having a hard time getting into the work routine and it's near impossible for me to get anywhere by 6 or 7 at night when I've worked until 5:30 and have to figure out dinner and public transit. We'll see if I can work it in sometime this week.

Next post: writing about some fun things I've done in the city so far!

boston day three: first day at work

My first day at work went well! Here are some things that are particularly nice about working at CRA:

- this is the first workplace I've ever had that is consistently a comfortable temperature!
- they have a free Flavia machine (makes any kind of coffee/tea/frothy drink you'd like)
- there's a kitchen with hot water for dishwashing
- there are free snacks! poptarts, snickers, granola bars, chips, etc. (I think they're trying to fatten me up)
- they have every kind of office supply you could ever want
- there's a free gym for employees downstairs in the building
- everyone's nice so far

I did orientation in the morning and then met with Peter, one of my coworkers who is the PI of our project. We went out to lunch at Summer Shack, which was delicious. After that we talked a bit about our project and then he sent me to go figure out the math for the physics-based modeling of tissue that we want to do. I spent about four hours in the afternoon trying to get through the math. Unfortunately it is far beyond my expertise, so I spent a lot of time looking up terms and trying to figure out what the equations mean.

I don't remember what I did that evening. Probably mostly went to sleep. There is a skylight directly over my bed and it gets light at 5AM so I wake up with the sun in the mornings, making early bedtimes necessary!

favorite moment: the flounder I had at lunch was one of the tastiest things I've ever had. The plate was first covered in creamed peas, and then a mound of mashed parsnips. on top of that was a broiled fillet of flounder with duxelle on top. awesome.

least favorite moment: probably being overwhelmed by the math

boston day two: fire and water

Memorial Day had the potential to be a really terrible day. I was disoriented and knew barely anyone. My roommates weren't in so the apartment was empty. However, thanks to good friends, it ended up being awesome.

In the morning, I met a roommate's boyfriend to get into my apartment. My room is on the third floor of a house that's split into two apartments (we have the top two floors). There are these really narrow, twisted staircases that are easy to trip over going up and down the stairs. My room is kind of bare but I have everything I need!

After unpacking I ventured out on the bus route to Target to buy some things I needed. I was proud of myself for not getting lost.

Alex and Emily invited me over for an afternoon cookout, where I met several of my coworkers: Brad, Joseph, and James. James is on the same project as I am. Joseph is his brother, and is an intern as well. Both of them are from Easley so they're practically next door neighbors to me! Bethany invited me over for an evening cookout, where I met several of her labmates and housemates, who were all very nice. Most of them are studying in the medical field but I did talk to one guy who had interest in medical applications in virtual reality, so that was neat.

I met some of my roommates when I got in that night, but pretty much went straight to bed so I could be ready for my first day at work. I was delighted to find out that we had central air conditioning (a luxury around here) considering it was in the high 80s and my bedroom is on the 3rd floor!

Favorite moment(s) of the day: fire and water. At Alex's cookout, he was grilling on a tabletop grill set up on a table on the lawn when the automated sprinklers turned on! Friends helped him move the grill and table out of the stream of water. At Bethany's cookout, the chicken breasts had skin on them so the grease drippings caught on fire, leading to massive flames and charred chicken being scooped off the grill with a shovel!

Least favorite moment of the day: being nervous before meeting my coworkers at Alex's cookout. It all turned out okay though!

boston day one: (thankfully temporary) homelessness

So I had wanted to do a picture a day or something for every day of my stay in the Boston area this summer, but mostly I've been too busy actually doing things to sit down and write about them. I'm going to attempt to catch up and then start writing a bit about each day. Knowing me, this will probably last about two weeks and then I'll give up. Oh well. I'll give it a shot anyhow.

It was weird waking up on Sunday morning and not going to church. Patrick and I had stayed up super late watching this movie, The Illusionist, not to be confused with The Illusionist, which is what we thought we were getting from the redbox, and would have probably been a much cheerier movie. Anyhow. I spent the morning packing. We all had spaghetti for lunch and then I left for my flight. I was nervous and crying.

Patrick helped me get my luggage in the airport. My bag was overweight. Turns out that's an additional $95--a total of $120 for the one bag to be checked! I only paid $180 for the entire trip! We shuffled between the two bags to make them both in the acceptable weight range and in a moment of panic checked the second, carry on sized bag as well, costing a total of $60. Still, half the price I would have paid for the one bag. Strange pricing.

Anyhow, we said our teary goodbyes and I went through security. My flight got delayed by about an hour. On the plane a kid behind me kicked my seat and loudly smacked his gum the entire time. Instead of doing anything useful, I sipped ginger ale and played Angry Birds.

Now, on Saturday, I got an e-mail from my subletee (is that a real word?) copied to a couple of my roommates asking them to put the key outside the apartment for me on Monday. Trouble is, I was arriving Sunday. I e-mailed the whole group asking them to please have it ready on Sunday, but there was no reply on Saturday. There was still no reply when I landed in the Boston airport.

I called my subletee and she said she'd text me the number of another roommate, but it turns out she didn't have that roommate's number. I decided to stay with Bethany (my college roommate from Winthrop) for the night--she had met me at the airport to help me with my bags and we just decided that will be easier. Several hours later, no phone call and no key still, and I am panicking. Finally, after much searching and worrying, I got in touch with one of my roommates, and her boyfriend was in town and had a key so I made arrangements to meet him Monday morning.

Other than that chaos, it was quite a pleasant evening. Bethany's house is nice. We ate frozen pizza and sorbet outside. It was almost like old times in college.

Favorite moment of the day: eating lemon sorbet outside
Least favorite moment of the day: saying goodbye to my family

oven sopapilla

Have you ever had a sopapilla at a Mexican restaurant? They're little fried tortilla-like triangles of goodness, usually served with ice cream, honey, and chocolate syrup. Yeah, probably not authentic, but still delicious. I figured out how to make them without the deep frying but equally delicious. I looked online thinking, surely someone has done this before, but it appears not.

I think that oven sopapillas are probably the best contribution to society I will ever make in my life. I am eating one right now. Maybe its deliciousness is overblown in my head because it's the last week of classes and this is good comfort food.

you will need:
a flour tortilla (I use whole wheat)
sugar
cinnamon
butter

I highly recommend honey as well. If you want, you can do whipped cream, ice cream, and/or chocolate syrup. I'm not giving strict measurements because it's really up to you. You can decide how healthy/unhealthy you want to make this dish.

Melt some butter in a cup (I use about a teaspoon). Use a brush to brush it on both sides of your tortilla. Sprinkle sugar and cinnamon on both sides of the tortilla and rub until it's kind of coated (I probably use about a tablespoon sugar and a teaspoon cinnamon). Put on a pan. Place under broiler until the tortilla starts looking bubbly. Flip and let cook until edges are crunchy. Drizzle with your choice of toppings.

Depending on how you make it, it's not bad for you. I estimate that my sopapilla was about 230 calories. Not bad for a dessert. And I fit in whole grains, and honey and cinnamon are good for you too.

Enjoy.

The past couple years I have not given up anything for Lent. I have a complicated relationship with food in general and giving up any form of junk food leads to me to think more about being skinnier than pursuing Christ, and not eating any type of normal food hampers my athletic training. There's no habits I have that are particularly troublesome or that take away time from spending with God, it's just a lack of discipline in general that gets in the way. Still, I think about it every year.

This morning I was sitting in statistics class with Toni. I had overslept and was still tired and was holding a cup of coffee when I realized that the coffee was something that I depended on instead of Christ. I am not coffee obsessed or caffeine addicted but when I am tired, I think, "A cup of coffee will fix this." And I look forward to my coffee every day. I think about what kind I will brew and when I will drink it. I enjoy how it tastes and smells and its warmth. I am a grad student. This is my fuel.

I think more about coffee during my work day than I do Christ.

How tragic.

And that is why I will not be drinking it during Lent this year. I cannot tell you how much I do not want to give it up. I really want my cup of coffee tomorrow afternoon. If I would have realized that this is what I was going to do, I would have been drinking three cups of coffee a day for the past week, but it just occurred to me this morning. If it were not near midnight I would brew a cup of coffee now and drink it. I will miss it. (Disclaimer: when I go home for spring break, it is tradition for Dad, Victoria, and me to enjoy coffee together, and I will do that because that is not as much of a dependency thing as a family tradition.)

Every time I think about coffee, the most trivial of things, during this Lenten season I will seek to set my mind on Christ, the most significant of things, in my moments of boredom, tiredness, and weakness. May he be honored and adored by this small sacrifice, and may I find joy, satisfaction, and focus as I turn towards him to meet all of my needs.

I got a new cookbook called More with Less, which is a Mennonite cookbook about how to eat simply and considerately of other people. I liked this poem at the beginning of it:

You have heard it said
     that because of hunger in Third World countries
     we should not overeat.
But I say unto you
     that the abuse of your body, mind, and soul
     is never justified.

You have heard it said
     conserve for the sake of the crisis
     because of limited amounts available to us.
But I say unto you
     the only wise use
     is that which brings glory to God.

Let not your hearts be troubled by this kingdom
     but let your bodies and energies be dedicated
     in service to God and man.
Surely you will find
     the future kingdom
     already being fulfilled in your life.

--Martin Penner, Recife, Brazil

Compared to common culture, I think I eat well. I cook most nights and 90% of what I eat is from produce or meat that I've bought instead of from processed foods, and I try to buy in-season, and local, when available. But still, I think that I can live more considerately by eating more considerately. I can use simpler ingredients, save money, and give it away to others. I can reduce the amount of things I eat that are bad for the environment or for people. I'm really looking forward to reading this book, learning from it, and trying out its strategies. I'll let you all know how it goes.

dear upstairs neighbors,

I appreciate you not holding band practice tonight. However, I do not appreciate you throwing a party tonight with loud music and bass that is now nearly shaking my furniture.

I never see you early in the mornings. May I suggest that you shift all of your daily activities forward by approximately two hours? Then, we would never have problems.

love,
lauren

dear upstairs neighbors,

I am also a musician and I understand and support your endeavors to start a band and become musicians. You're not too terribly bad, especially since your lead singer got drastically better over break, or you replaced him with one who could actually sing, or you just stopped trying to sing Kings of Leon, whichever actually happened. At any rate, I admire your persistent, every night practicing, and I can hear your improvement. What I want to know is why I have to hear your improvement at midnight and after. Your neighbors would like to be able to turn on and off the music that they hear, especially when they are trying to sleep...

love,
lauren

sometime over Christmas break or maybe a little before I remembered that music existed.  I mean, I had been listening to music and all, but something, and I don't even remember what, made me remember that music comes from real people and isn't magically generated out of a computer like iTunes makes it out to be.

So, I have decided to remember how to play piano. I didn't practice any over break due to busyness and to not particularly wanting to be heard. But I've been here for a week and have practiced five days. It's been good. I remember more than I thought I would.

I like practicing here. The practice rooms are warm. The upright pianos let me play more comfortably and expressively than the baby grands did at Winthrop (yeah, I'm weird). And so far I haven't heard anyone else practicing who was exquisitely good at piano like I did in the practice rooms at Winthrop. That makes it a whole lot less intimidating to sit down and play as I want to, mistakes and all. And it's more enjoyable since when I sit down at the piano I don't have to panic about having to play this for anyone else if I don't want to. There's no teacher looking for my mistakes, no jury at the end of the semester asking me to play the one scale that I can't remember, and no expectation that I have my pieces perfected and memorized in 15 weeks. I'm on my own schedule and I'm my own worst critic.

I'm working on getting Chopin's Nocturne in C# minor back to well-polished (and I'm pretty close). I really would like to finish the rest of Mozart's Twelve Variations on Twinkle Twinkle Little Star--I play probably five or six of the twelve variations well and I'd like to learn the two I skipped and get the remaining variations to the point where I play them well. I have no interest into returning to the two Bach inventions I learned, haha. After I get those two pieces down I'll probably polish up the Granados Danza Espanola No. 2.

I'd like to start a new piece or two as well. Probably one at a time for now. I'd really like to eventually attempt Granados' Valses Poeticos but I think it's a bit beyond my skill level right now, as is his Danza Espanola No. 8, which no one in the world seems to have recorded except perhaps Ms. de Larrocha, and I can't find a link for her (excellent in my opinion) rendition anywhere. So we'll skip the Granados for now. I'm thinking about finally learning the rest of Mozart's Sonata K545 that I've known the first bit of for forever. I've got a book of Clementi sonatinas that might be another potential option, or I might just pick something out of my big book of classics. I'd like to play Debussy's Arabesque No. 1 but all those triplets over eighths might kill me. We'll see. I just need to find something the right difficulty level--challenging enough to increase my skill but easy enough that I won't get frustrated with it.

I'm going to try to be disciplined and practice at least three times a week. I can spare a half-hour three times a week and that'll work wonders. Hopefully my academic schedule won't be chaotic enough to stop me.

mk that's all for now.

about the fellowship

I get angry sometimes when I talk to people about my fellowship. I'm really thankful for it and most days I think it's too good to be true. But when talking about it, people say things like, "Oh, you got lucky!", to which I think, it's not like NSF rolled dice and happened to come up with my number. But that's not so bad because we toss around luck to mean a lot of things. The ones that really get me are the true statements. "Oh, well, because you applied to Clemson and that's a smaller school in the south and they're worried about geographic distribution you had a better chance," and "Because you're a woman your proposal was considered for two funding options!"

Both true. But can't I have also just flat out earned it? Is it inconceivable that my proposal was actually good and that NSF thought that I had the intellecual merit and the broader impacts that all the other fellowship recipients did, male or female, undergraduate or graduate, from MIT or from some tiny school in the south?

I am thankful that NSF tries to make things fair and I think that's good. And I know that people saying this to me mean nothing by what they're saying, but it feels like they're trying to explain away any of my effort and attribute the award to qualifications I really had no control over. It's just irritating to have worked really hard for something and to have that work totally discounted.

The end.

I think this is wonderful.

http://www.blogher.com/2009-swimsuit-brigade-honest-photos-0

I'm even considering participating. I believe so strongly that every person should have the right to feel comfortable in his or her own body.

Dealing with body image is such a terrible game to play. The solution is not to buy better clothes, get a makeover, pamper yourself, or even to lose weight. I'm fifty pounds lighter than five years ago, and honestly, I think I'm more self-conscious now than I was then. I've resolved to not speak badly about my body and to not encourage or allow that kind of conversation around my friends. And overall, I really am okay with how I look and how healthy I am. But somewhere in my mind there is still this image that I measure myself against, and I end up scolding myself for eating cookies, skipping the workout when I'm sick, or drinking a soda. Recently I have realized that this is stupid, and that the image I'm comparing myself to it's an impossible image for the way my body is built.

One of the things I enjoy the most about going to the gym is seeing the variety of people who are there. When I'm working out I watch people. Not in a creepy stalker way, just in a this is what real people look like kind of way. There are old people and young people, people smaller than me, people bigger than me, muscular people, frail-looking people, stick-thin people and people with curves. And I don't think any less or any more of any of them for their appearance. This is the best kind of therapy for the impossibility that exists in my mind--seeing other people and telling myself that these are real people, not the sickly, atrophied preteen-esque people living in the media and in my head, and that I don't view them any differently for their appearances, so other people probably don't view me differently either.

bedtime. on a related note, this was also heartwarming (warning, the model is covered but only wearing her underwear).

resolutions

In my week of doing pretty much nothing, there are some things I've decided I want to accomplish this fall.

1) Be better to the environment. Stop using ziploc bags when tupperware will work. Reuse things if posssible. Pay attention and choose the items with less packaging. Recycle more. Take public transit if possible. Conserve energy and water.

2) Read while in school. Surely I can handle a couple books alongside schoolwork.

3) Memorize more scripture. I'd like to finish memorizing Colossians and make good progress into Romans 8.

4) Volunteer somewhere, if school doesn't kill me.

5) Be involved on campus in something non-computer science related, possibly a campus ministry or an intramural sport.

6) Go to bed early and get up early so that I can use my time more effectively.

7) Read scripture better and deeper, not as a half-hearted bedtime story.

I think that's it for now...

first day in the lab

Pretty uneventful. I met a few new people. Toni, Amy, Yvon(ne?) and I ate lunch together. I set up my desk, which I think is cute, but I forgot to put pictures up of it. Got my parking permit, turned in my final transcript, helped take apart a couple tables, filled out more paperwork, worked a bit on my personal website.

I think the most eventful thing that happened, though, was early this morning. I was leaving for campus right at 9 this morning with my hands full of stuff to go to the lab. It was raining a little and I had just got to my car outside my apartment when I saw this woman walking across the parking lot, barefoot, carrying her shoes, in soaking wet clothes, and crying. She asked me if I was headed to the university, and I said yes. I asked her if everything was okay, and she said no, hesitated, and then sobbing, told me to go to school and finish my degree because life on drugs wasn't good.

I asked her if I could do anything for her, she said no. I asked if I could pray with her and she said she'd let me, so I did. Then she left, seemed in a hurry to get somewhere. But I just felt so much compassion towards her.

I've been thinking about the nature of addiction, bondage, and sin lately. Last night I had decided to start working on memorizing all of Romans 8. I had been working on the first three verses this morning:

"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do." Romans 8:1-3a, ESV

Sin's nature is interesting and counterintuitive. Paul explained it in Romans 7, talking about how he's constantly doing what he doesn't want to do because of the sinful nature that's living within him. He knows what the law is. He knows what choices he should make, yet he fails to do them. It's a predicament, but his triumphant statement ending that chapter makes it clear that Jesus delivers us from that slavery. Those three verses then follow, assuring us of God's grace towards us and reminding us of our purchased freedom that allows us to serve Christ instead of our sinful nature. Is that grace and freedom a license to sin more? No (cf Romans 6). But it is an assurance that in the end, our sins are fully covered by the blood of a perfect Savior, and no one stands to condemn us.

Sin is a terrible thing. It is a lie, convincing people to choose things that will never satisfy in place of the infinitely good. It breaks relationship between people. It breaks relationship with God. It enslaves and leaves people barefoot in parking lots crying their eyes out, or confessing things to their loved ones that break hearts, or with a hopeless medical diagnosis, and ultimately, in a torturous eternity separate from their Creator.

It is absolutely incredible that God shows us grace and offers to rescue us from our own devastating tendencies. I am very thankful because I know that not a whole lot separates me from the woman I was talking to this morning. I want to get better at understanding sin and reacting properly to it, not with indifference or pride, but with compassion, anger, and mercy in proper proportions.

at Clemson

Well, I'm in the town that I'll spend most of the next five or so years in (assuming nothing crazy happens). I'm all moved in to my apartment. I'm happy with my apartment, I like my roommates (the two I've met!), and I like the area so far. There's not too much to do but I kind of like it that way. Less distraction. More time for creative activities with people (and for studying eventually). I think I will be happy here :)

I had to arrive on Friday to do paperwork for getting paid. After that, Dr. Hodges and I went out to lunch and talked about some possible projects for this fall. They all sound interesting, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm currently getting other things in line--parking pass, student ID, textbooks, course schedule. I have a desk in the lab (by the window!) that I have cute things for. My things are unpacked and I'm putting finishing touches on my room. I visited a church with the Hodges, Lizzie (a labmate), and Brandon (a friend from UNCC) last Sunday. Lizzie and I have spent a good bit of time together over the past few days. Chad (friend from Winthrop, entering Ph.D. program here) was up for TA training today and we had lunch at Super Taco, which was very tasty. Patrick came up on Saturday for the wedding of two of my friends. I've found the workout room here, laid out by the pool, read the first Harry Potter book, "repaired" my computer (did you know that swapping the keyboard and mouse plugs will cause it to not start up at all?). So far there's not too much to do and I'm a bit bored, but I know things will begin full-speed on Monday so I'm trying to savor the last few days of nothingness.

I think that the wedding I went to on Saturday was my favorite wedding that I've ever been to. Other weddings have been good, but this wedding was different from all of them, and, I think, closer to the way I would like my wedding to be. Instead of a love song solo, there was a congregational hymn about love. There was a sermon-type-thing about the kind of love the Bible calls us to. The whole church took communion, which the bride and groom helped to serve. All in attendance were asked to confirm their support of the marriage. I don't remember what the vows were, but they were different than is typical and I remember liking them a lot (and up until now I've always much preferred the traditional).

The reception had a lot of excellent food, and instead of typical dancing they had a band and a person who was teaching contra dancing, which I really liked, because I can't dance for real and because I hate sketchy dancing at a wedding. Their first dance was a dance with everyone. We had to leave at the cake cutting but it looked like everyone was having fun.

I think the reason I liked this wedding so much is because it wasn't as closely focused on the couple as the other weddings I have been to. Of course, a wedding is primarily about two people committing their lives to each other, but it's not like you live in a bubble with your spouse after you're married to them. There are still other people--your friends, your church family, your community. As a couple you are called to love and serve them together, and they are called to support your marriage and encourage you. I remember at Lea's wedding that the pastor charged the wedding party to do everything within their power to support their marriage, and I liked that a lot too. When I have a wedding, I really would like it to be more church-centered like that. I've never liked sappy love songs and I'd rather us all sing a hymn. I'd like to put more focus on God's love than our love, and I'd like to make the ceremony include the audience as much as this one did. I think the ceremony reflected the order that priorities in a marriage should take: God first, your spouse second, your surrounding community third, and all else following.

The contra dancing (whether this was intended or not) was, to me, an extension of including the entire audience in the wedding. Because I lack dancing skills (even to the point of hating stupid dances like the electric slide) I had always thought that there wouldn't be dancing at my wedding, but I would love for there to be something all-inclusive and fun like this. I always feel awkward at weddings where there's dancing, and I'd rather people not stand around awkwardly at my wedding reception.

A wedding is no time soon for me, but this one really made an impression on me and I wanted to write about it before I forgot.

My other random observation from my time is how luxiuriously I live...we all live. Today I was thinking about how nice it was to have a dishwasher, icemaker, thermostat, and full-sized oven. Then I realized that a lot of the world doesn't have electricity at all, or a computer, or Internet. I don't think I necessarily have to go without these things, but I do want to work more on appreciating "little" things like that. I never want to have the mentality that these things are my rights to have. I want to appreciate them for the blessings that they are.

Okay, that's it for now! Orientation tomorrow, classes begin in a week!

irony

The ad after my previous post: "#1 abs program in America! The truth about abs, click here!"

another quote

I wouldn't necessarily call myself a dieter, but (like any woman) I have my share of body image issues. But lately I've been thinking about it and wondering--why do I want any of these changes anyhow? What's so desirable about the smaller jeans size, the flat tummy, and the smoothing of other 'imperfections'? 

I realized that I really have no idea why I want these things. I don't consider myself unhealthy; I'm in fair shape and I eat right. I look okay in clothes. I have the love and approval of family, friends, and boyfriend (and I always have, even when I was many pounds heavier). The best I can guess, even though I don't really watch TV or read magazines, it's just some implicit cultural standard. Instead of addressing culture, though, I'm ready to step up and address my attitude about it, because that's the only part I can really change.

I read an article today from Jezebel, which occasionally has interesting and good stuff, though you have to sift through it. Here's an excerpt:

Really quitting dieting may mean not just letting that Weight Watchers subscription lapse, but also giving up thinness as a goal. It's still incredibly difficult, because people like Willett (and every women's magazine ever) continue to insist that it must be everyone's goal. But psychologist and eating disorder specialist Deb Burgard says, "the pursuit of thinness as a dream is a place holder. It gets in the way of asking, ‘What is it I am dreaming of?' "

This may be true not just for individual dieters, but for our diet-obsessed society in general. Also in the Times, Roger Cohen writes about the recent study that shows that calorie-restricted monkeys live longer. The child of a primate expert, he examines a now-famous photo of two monkeys, Owen and Canto — and thinks Owen, the well-fed one, is probably happier. He writes,

It's the difference between the guy who got the marbleized rib-eye and the guy who got the oh-so-lean filet. Or between the guy who got a Château Grand Pontet St. Emilion with his brie and the guy who got water. As Edgar notes in King Lear, "Ripeness is all." You don't get to ripeness by eating apple peel for breakfast.

"When life extension supplants life quality as a goal," he continues, "you get the desolation of Canto the monkey." Long life and even health have become goals in themselves, and we seemed forgotten that a long healthy life is for something — enjoyment. When we take health, longevity, or thinness for that matter, as ends rather than means, we get our priorities screwed up. We think it's acceptable to tell people to starve themselves so that they can fit Willett's definition of what's healthy — or Vogue's definition of what's attractive. We'd be better off remembering that health is about being able to do things with your life — including eat — and that thinness is about, well what is in thinness about exactly? If you look at a women's magazine, it's about health, yes, but also attractiveness, happiness, and personal empowerment — all of which can be achieved at any size.

-- from http://jezebel.com/5315977/times-discovers-women-who-dont-diet

What is it I really want? What are the dreams that the pursuit of a perfect appearance is getting in the way of? I don't know. But I certainly aim to find out.

I'm not going to start gorging myself on chocolate ice cream every day, and I'm not giving up working out at the Y. In fact, from outer appearances, very little will probably change. I'm happy with my current lifestyle, for the most part. However, I have resolved to start being kinder to myself, and not hate every cookie I consume or resent every tenth of a pound that changes on the scale. I'm not going to call myself a slacker for not going to the Y when I'm not feeling well. I'm going to stop staring at the mirror to point out imperfections, stop comparing my body to others, stop envisioning what it would look like to be different and start celebrating who I am and what I look like now. I'm going to remember that "charm is deceptive and beauty will not last" (proverbs 31:30) and that spiritual growth is my highest priority. 

Something I really want to do as a practical outworking of this is to not talk disparagingly about my body in front of other women, which will hopefully discourage them from doing so as well. Somehow it's the socially acceptable thing to do to criticize some aspect of yourself when someone starts criticizing themselves, but I'm going to stop doing that too.

Okay. Enough for tonight. One more day of chasing VBS kids coming up!