break (almost)

Well, classes are over until next Monday. I desperately need this break. I am exhausted in so many ways. But I'm staying here tonight and working on my schoolwork so that I can hopefully take a few days off to spend with my family and to not do schoolwork. I really don't want to do any schoolwork Wednesday-Friday. I'm trying to make that my goal. 

I got back a test today that I made a 95 on. I'm really proud of that. I studied so hard for that test. I'm trying so hard to do well in that class but it's very challenging for me. As soon as I get back, I have three projects due: finishing up software engineering stuff, a network processing application I need to write, and a program in Scheme that is killing me. Besides that, I'd like to have all my grad school apps out by December 7 or so. I also need to get in a good bit of piano practice; juries will be here soon. Other than those few outstanding items, I'm on track to end the semester well. There's SLC stuff to be done but I think I can handle it.

This semester has been incredibly intense in every aspect. I don't think I have ever been so stretched, but I'm making it. I'm very ready for it to be over though. I need rest and time to process all that has happened.

In other news...I am "Facebook official"-ly in a relationship :) Patrick has been a bright spot in the otherwise chaos of everything else the past month or so. He treats me so well and I'm really thankful. This is a bit of a first for me and I'm really afraid of making mistakes but I guess there's no choice but to figure it out as I go.

I called Mom to tell her yesterday before she saw it on Facebook, and I told her I'd tell Dad later since Dad was kind of having a bad day. I'm going to tell him over Thanksgiving. This whole thing is awkward. "Hi Dad, I know this is totally irrelevant to whatever we're doing, but I wanted you to know that I'm dating someone." I have no idea what his reaction will be. Mom called me back today and wanted to make sure I knew that Dad wouldn't be angry when I told him. Well, I'd hope not. I'm 21 years old and these kinds of things are bound to happen sometime. 

Mom said, "Well, in a little way you'll be breaking his heart, that his little girl is growing up." Well, that made me cry a little. I hate growing up, especially when I know how hard it is on my parents. But what can you do? It's life; this is the way things happen. Whatev. We'll work through it and it will be okay.

All right, it's time for less blogging and more coding. And also time for dinner :) Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

during class today

as soon as I hit the "post" button, person goes to trashcan and pulls out stick figure.

just so you know.

today in between classes

Person is standing at side of class near door holding book. He looks confused. As soon as conversation dies down: "Okay, I'm really really depressed. I need you to do something that will make me happy."

Class is sympathetic. Everyone asks why, he says he can't talk about it. I draw a happy stick figure and give it to him. He takes it, walks out the door and throws it away on the way out.

Aww. Rejected.

thinking about this poem lately

All this flashy rhetoric about loving you.

I never had a selfless thought since I was born.

I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;

I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure are the goals I seek,

I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;

I talk of love--a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--

But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

-- C.S. Lewis

Selfish love is not love at all. I'm pretty sure that there are people who love me selflessly and I'm also pretty sure that I'm bad at that. I want to get better at showing real love to the people around me...may God grant me the grace and character to do so.

yay.

Still a whole bunch to do, still a lot to deal with, but hours of sleep, a couple miles of running, some food, and some other stuff has made life a good bit happier :)

Now watching House and writing a paper. I suppose I'll write more when I have more time...

exhausted.

physically, emotionally, mentally. this month has absolutely devastated me.

Last Sunday I finally sat still long enough to process a chunk of all the things that have just happened to me and I cried for a good hour. There are more tears to come, I just have to deal with it in little slices. It's not like any one thing has been incredibly detrimental, but everything together has just worn away at me. I want to hide from everything for a few days but I can't afford to do that because there are still things to be done, and the problems follow me wherever I am. 

I feel broken. I am always tired and cold and hungry, but I can't sleep at nights, I can't change the weather, and when I make food I lose my appetite. I haven't been going to the gym in the mornings like usual because the last time I tried that I got really dizzy and thought I was going to die. I realize that right now I sound like a depressed, anorexic person, haha. I'm not, I promise. I think I am just exhausted...I'm confident that this is going to fix itself with enough sleep and food that's good for me and getting back into a workable routine. I am taking Benadryl tonight so I won't wake up, and I don't have to be anywhere until 2 tomorrow, and I bet that more than 6 hours of sleep is going to fix a lot of things.

So what's happened lately? A bunch. I submitted my GRF application. I found out that the friend I was planning to live with at Clemson is probably not even going there, and I found out that all my friends here violently oppose my going to Clemson at all. I submitted my Clemson application, haha. I visited Clemson and ate dinner with the Hodges. 

I took a test in each of my classes, I took the computer science GRE, I made at least four batches of cookies for various occasions, I helped throw a Halloween party. I played Bach's Invention 13 in rep class, I completed a software engineering deliverable, I worked on a program for hours yet did not complete it on time. I voted for the first time. I planned a Girl Scouts event and put it into the hands of other capable people. I wrote detailed mentoring plans for five people. I spoke at FMHS career day, wrote all kinds of thank you notes, got a paper accepted into SIGCSE, went to the opera for the first time, participated in programming competition in Savannah. I found out one of my cousins attempted suicide (and lived) and have been broken by the aftermath of that, knowing that to my whole family it is an echo of my grandma's suicide nine years ago, I've hoped to spend time with my sister while she was home from college but found that she was busy with friends so we couldn't, I've thrown two dinner parties, I've dealt with friends' drama and a stressed out roommate. I've had more boy drama in the past three weeks than in the rest of my life combined...some good things, some bad things, some things I don't even have categories for. 

I've felt completely alone sometimes, completely understood other times, and at the end of all this my accomplishments ring empty. It kind of sucks. I do all this work for silly numbers. So, I went out last night and bought some yarn and a crochet hook. That way I can sit here and make a scarf and see something tangible come together quickly as I work on it. It's instant gratification. It makes me happy. Now to shake free of this apathy about all else and keep pushing towards the end of this semester. I need Christmas break desperately, but three grad school applications and a whole bunch of school stuff stands in between now and then. I have to be persistent and disciplined.

* sigh *

Cheerier days soon. This is almost over! I say this to my friends a lot but sometimes I need to be reminded myself. I think I will start a countdown somewhere. It will be good. :)

hope everything is going well for you!

broken?

is blogger broken for everyone or just me?