about the fellowship

I get angry sometimes when I talk to people about my fellowship. I'm really thankful for it and most days I think it's too good to be true. But when talking about it, people say things like, "Oh, you got lucky!", to which I think, it's not like NSF rolled dice and happened to come up with my number. But that's not so bad because we toss around luck to mean a lot of things. The ones that really get me are the true statements. "Oh, well, because you applied to Clemson and that's a smaller school in the south and they're worried about geographic distribution you had a better chance," and "Because you're a woman your proposal was considered for two funding options!"

Both true. But can't I have also just flat out earned it? Is it inconceivable that my proposal was actually good and that NSF thought that I had the intellecual merit and the broader impacts that all the other fellowship recipients did, male or female, undergraduate or graduate, from MIT or from some tiny school in the south?

I am thankful that NSF tries to make things fair and I think that's good. And I know that people saying this to me mean nothing by what they're saying, but it feels like they're trying to explain away any of my effort and attribute the award to qualifications I really had no control over. It's just irritating to have worked really hard for something and to have that work totally discounted.

The end.

I think this is wonderful.

http://www.blogher.com/2009-swimsuit-brigade-honest-photos-0

I'm even considering participating. I believe so strongly that every person should have the right to feel comfortable in his or her own body.

Dealing with body image is such a terrible game to play. The solution is not to buy better clothes, get a makeover, pamper yourself, or even to lose weight. I'm fifty pounds lighter than five years ago, and honestly, I think I'm more self-conscious now than I was then. I've resolved to not speak badly about my body and to not encourage or allow that kind of conversation around my friends. And overall, I really am okay with how I look and how healthy I am. But somewhere in my mind there is still this image that I measure myself against, and I end up scolding myself for eating cookies, skipping the workout when I'm sick, or drinking a soda. Recently I have realized that this is stupid, and that the image I'm comparing myself to it's an impossible image for the way my body is built.

One of the things I enjoy the most about going to the gym is seeing the variety of people who are there. When I'm working out I watch people. Not in a creepy stalker way, just in a this is what real people look like kind of way. There are old people and young people, people smaller than me, people bigger than me, muscular people, frail-looking people, stick-thin people and people with curves. And I don't think any less or any more of any of them for their appearance. This is the best kind of therapy for the impossibility that exists in my mind--seeing other people and telling myself that these are real people, not the sickly, atrophied preteen-esque people living in the media and in my head, and that I don't view them any differently for their appearances, so other people probably don't view me differently either.

bedtime. on a related note, this was also heartwarming (warning, the model is covered but only wearing her underwear).

resolutions

In my week of doing pretty much nothing, there are some things I've decided I want to accomplish this fall.

1) Be better to the environment. Stop using ziploc bags when tupperware will work. Reuse things if posssible. Pay attention and choose the items with less packaging. Recycle more. Take public transit if possible. Conserve energy and water.

2) Read while in school. Surely I can handle a couple books alongside schoolwork.

3) Memorize more scripture. I'd like to finish memorizing Colossians and make good progress into Romans 8.

4) Volunteer somewhere, if school doesn't kill me.

5) Be involved on campus in something non-computer science related, possibly a campus ministry or an intramural sport.

6) Go to bed early and get up early so that I can use my time more effectively.

7) Read scripture better and deeper, not as a half-hearted bedtime story.

I think that's it for now...

first day in the lab

Pretty uneventful. I met a few new people. Toni, Amy, Yvon(ne?) and I ate lunch together. I set up my desk, which I think is cute, but I forgot to put pictures up of it. Got my parking permit, turned in my final transcript, helped take apart a couple tables, filled out more paperwork, worked a bit on my personal website.

I think the most eventful thing that happened, though, was early this morning. I was leaving for campus right at 9 this morning with my hands full of stuff to go to the lab. It was raining a little and I had just got to my car outside my apartment when I saw this woman walking across the parking lot, barefoot, carrying her shoes, in soaking wet clothes, and crying. She asked me if I was headed to the university, and I said yes. I asked her if everything was okay, and she said no, hesitated, and then sobbing, told me to go to school and finish my degree because life on drugs wasn't good.

I asked her if I could do anything for her, she said no. I asked if I could pray with her and she said she'd let me, so I did. Then she left, seemed in a hurry to get somewhere. But I just felt so much compassion towards her.

I've been thinking about the nature of addiction, bondage, and sin lately. Last night I had decided to start working on memorizing all of Romans 8. I had been working on the first three verses this morning:

"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do." Romans 8:1-3a, ESV

Sin's nature is interesting and counterintuitive. Paul explained it in Romans 7, talking about how he's constantly doing what he doesn't want to do because of the sinful nature that's living within him. He knows what the law is. He knows what choices he should make, yet he fails to do them. It's a predicament, but his triumphant statement ending that chapter makes it clear that Jesus delivers us from that slavery. Those three verses then follow, assuring us of God's grace towards us and reminding us of our purchased freedom that allows us to serve Christ instead of our sinful nature. Is that grace and freedom a license to sin more? No (cf Romans 6). But it is an assurance that in the end, our sins are fully covered by the blood of a perfect Savior, and no one stands to condemn us.

Sin is a terrible thing. It is a lie, convincing people to choose things that will never satisfy in place of the infinitely good. It breaks relationship between people. It breaks relationship with God. It enslaves and leaves people barefoot in parking lots crying their eyes out, or confessing things to their loved ones that break hearts, or with a hopeless medical diagnosis, and ultimately, in a torturous eternity separate from their Creator.

It is absolutely incredible that God shows us grace and offers to rescue us from our own devastating tendencies. I am very thankful because I know that not a whole lot separates me from the woman I was talking to this morning. I want to get better at understanding sin and reacting properly to it, not with indifference or pride, but with compassion, anger, and mercy in proper proportions.

at Clemson

Well, I'm in the town that I'll spend most of the next five or so years in (assuming nothing crazy happens). I'm all moved in to my apartment. I'm happy with my apartment, I like my roommates (the two I've met!), and I like the area so far. There's not too much to do but I kind of like it that way. Less distraction. More time for creative activities with people (and for studying eventually). I think I will be happy here :)

I had to arrive on Friday to do paperwork for getting paid. After that, Dr. Hodges and I went out to lunch and talked about some possible projects for this fall. They all sound interesting, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm currently getting other things in line--parking pass, student ID, textbooks, course schedule. I have a desk in the lab (by the window!) that I have cute things for. My things are unpacked and I'm putting finishing touches on my room. I visited a church with the Hodges, Lizzie (a labmate), and Brandon (a friend from UNCC) last Sunday. Lizzie and I have spent a good bit of time together over the past few days. Chad (friend from Winthrop, entering Ph.D. program here) was up for TA training today and we had lunch at Super Taco, which was very tasty. Patrick came up on Saturday for the wedding of two of my friends. I've found the workout room here, laid out by the pool, read the first Harry Potter book, "repaired" my computer (did you know that swapping the keyboard and mouse plugs will cause it to not start up at all?). So far there's not too much to do and I'm a bit bored, but I know things will begin full-speed on Monday so I'm trying to savor the last few days of nothingness.

I think that the wedding I went to on Saturday was my favorite wedding that I've ever been to. Other weddings have been good, but this wedding was different from all of them, and, I think, closer to the way I would like my wedding to be. Instead of a love song solo, there was a congregational hymn about love. There was a sermon-type-thing about the kind of love the Bible calls us to. The whole church took communion, which the bride and groom helped to serve. All in attendance were asked to confirm their support of the marriage. I don't remember what the vows were, but they were different than is typical and I remember liking them a lot (and up until now I've always much preferred the traditional).

The reception had a lot of excellent food, and instead of typical dancing they had a band and a person who was teaching contra dancing, which I really liked, because I can't dance for real and because I hate sketchy dancing at a wedding. Their first dance was a dance with everyone. We had to leave at the cake cutting but it looked like everyone was having fun.

I think the reason I liked this wedding so much is because it wasn't as closely focused on the couple as the other weddings I have been to. Of course, a wedding is primarily about two people committing their lives to each other, but it's not like you live in a bubble with your spouse after you're married to them. There are still other people--your friends, your church family, your community. As a couple you are called to love and serve them together, and they are called to support your marriage and encourage you. I remember at Lea's wedding that the pastor charged the wedding party to do everything within their power to support their marriage, and I liked that a lot too. When I have a wedding, I really would like it to be more church-centered like that. I've never liked sappy love songs and I'd rather us all sing a hymn. I'd like to put more focus on God's love than our love, and I'd like to make the ceremony include the audience as much as this one did. I think the ceremony reflected the order that priorities in a marriage should take: God first, your spouse second, your surrounding community third, and all else following.

The contra dancing (whether this was intended or not) was, to me, an extension of including the entire audience in the wedding. Because I lack dancing skills (even to the point of hating stupid dances like the electric slide) I had always thought that there wouldn't be dancing at my wedding, but I would love for there to be something all-inclusive and fun like this. I always feel awkward at weddings where there's dancing, and I'd rather people not stand around awkwardly at my wedding reception.

A wedding is no time soon for me, but this one really made an impression on me and I wanted to write about it before I forgot.

My other random observation from my time is how luxiuriously I live...we all live. Today I was thinking about how nice it was to have a dishwasher, icemaker, thermostat, and full-sized oven. Then I realized that a lot of the world doesn't have electricity at all, or a computer, or Internet. I don't think I necessarily have to go without these things, but I do want to work more on appreciating "little" things like that. I never want to have the mentality that these things are my rights to have. I want to appreciate them for the blessings that they are.

Okay, that's it for now! Orientation tomorrow, classes begin in a week!

irony

The ad after my previous post: "#1 abs program in America! The truth about abs, click here!"

another quote

I wouldn't necessarily call myself a dieter, but (like any woman) I have my share of body image issues. But lately I've been thinking about it and wondering--why do I want any of these changes anyhow? What's so desirable about the smaller jeans size, the flat tummy, and the smoothing of other 'imperfections'? 

I realized that I really have no idea why I want these things. I don't consider myself unhealthy; I'm in fair shape and I eat right. I look okay in clothes. I have the love and approval of family, friends, and boyfriend (and I always have, even when I was many pounds heavier). The best I can guess, even though I don't really watch TV or read magazines, it's just some implicit cultural standard. Instead of addressing culture, though, I'm ready to step up and address my attitude about it, because that's the only part I can really change.

I read an article today from Jezebel, which occasionally has interesting and good stuff, though you have to sift through it. Here's an excerpt:

Really quitting dieting may mean not just letting that Weight Watchers subscription lapse, but also giving up thinness as a goal. It's still incredibly difficult, because people like Willett (and every women's magazine ever) continue to insist that it must be everyone's goal. But psychologist and eating disorder specialist Deb Burgard says, "the pursuit of thinness as a dream is a place holder. It gets in the way of asking, ‘What is it I am dreaming of?' "

This may be true not just for individual dieters, but for our diet-obsessed society in general. Also in the Times, Roger Cohen writes about the recent study that shows that calorie-restricted monkeys live longer. The child of a primate expert, he examines a now-famous photo of two monkeys, Owen and Canto — and thinks Owen, the well-fed one, is probably happier. He writes,

It's the difference between the guy who got the marbleized rib-eye and the guy who got the oh-so-lean filet. Or between the guy who got a Château Grand Pontet St. Emilion with his brie and the guy who got water. As Edgar notes in King Lear, "Ripeness is all." You don't get to ripeness by eating apple peel for breakfast.

"When life extension supplants life quality as a goal," he continues, "you get the desolation of Canto the monkey." Long life and even health have become goals in themselves, and we seemed forgotten that a long healthy life is for something — enjoyment. When we take health, longevity, or thinness for that matter, as ends rather than means, we get our priorities screwed up. We think it's acceptable to tell people to starve themselves so that they can fit Willett's definition of what's healthy — or Vogue's definition of what's attractive. We'd be better off remembering that health is about being able to do things with your life — including eat — and that thinness is about, well what is in thinness about exactly? If you look at a women's magazine, it's about health, yes, but also attractiveness, happiness, and personal empowerment — all of which can be achieved at any size.

-- from http://jezebel.com/5315977/times-discovers-women-who-dont-diet

What is it I really want? What are the dreams that the pursuit of a perfect appearance is getting in the way of? I don't know. But I certainly aim to find out.

I'm not going to start gorging myself on chocolate ice cream every day, and I'm not giving up working out at the Y. In fact, from outer appearances, very little will probably change. I'm happy with my current lifestyle, for the most part. However, I have resolved to start being kinder to myself, and not hate every cookie I consume or resent every tenth of a pound that changes on the scale. I'm not going to call myself a slacker for not going to the Y when I'm not feeling well. I'm going to stop staring at the mirror to point out imperfections, stop comparing my body to others, stop envisioning what it would look like to be different and start celebrating who I am and what I look like now. I'm going to remember that "charm is deceptive and beauty will not last" (proverbs 31:30) and that spiritual growth is my highest priority. 

Something I really want to do as a practical outworking of this is to not talk disparagingly about my body in front of other women, which will hopefully discourage them from doing so as well. Somehow it's the socially acceptable thing to do to criticize some aspect of yourself when someone starts criticizing themselves, but I'm going to stop doing that too.

Okay. Enough for tonight. One more day of chasing VBS kids coming up!

I was watching the Sotomayor hearings and thinking about this concept of "disparate impact", which I had never heard of before. The way I understand it, this is a way of saying that a situation can have discriminating consequences against a subset of people, even if there was no "disparate intent".

It really fits the problem for women in science, that we usually feel the effects of disparate impact before we have any evidence of disparate intent. And sometimes there isn't any intent to discriminate at all, it's just a matter of context- if you're the only woman in your research group, for example, you're going to feel the effects of being a minority sometimes, even if all the guys are super-supportive and really respect you a lot. Even in those situations, every once in a while, something will come up that makes you feel uncomfortable and left out. That's disparate impact. Whether it's a big impact or not. And then we come to the "death by a thousand pinpricks" metaphor for being a woman in science. That's a lot of little disparate prickings.'

--from http://youngfemalescientist.blogspot.com/

sometimes I feel like we get stuck in this.

There in the dark, her memory was refreshed, and she succumbed to her earlier dreams. Along with the idea of romantic love, she was introduced to another--physical beauty. Probably the most destructive ideas in the history of human thought. Both originated in envy, thrived in insecurity, and ended in disillusion. In equating physical beauty with virtue, she stripped her mind, bound it, and collected self-contempt by the heap. She forgot lust and simple caring for. She regarded love as possessive mating, and romance as the goal of the spirit. It would be for her a well-spring from which she would draw the most destructive emotions, deceiving the lover and seeking to imprison the beloved, curtailing freedom in every way.

She was never able, after her education in the movies, to look at a face and not assign it some category in the scale of absolute beauty...

--Toni Morrison in The Bluest Eye 

(btw, why won't Blogger let you underline? It's a book.)

I think that the world is slightly unfair to people who don't get married immediately after college (or during college).

I signed the lease on my new apartment yesterday and I'll be beginning to move in in mid-July. This one has no furniture in it so I just kind of realized that I need to be working on picking out things now because if I don't I'll end up there at the beginning of August sleeping on a bed with no sheets, in a shower with no curtain, and with my desktop computer on the floor beside me. Now, my kitchen's pretty well set because I enjoy cooking and have had my own kitchen where I've lived for the past few years, but I need almost everything else new. It's amazing how what you pick out when you're 18 and going to college looks really juvenile when you're 22 (and how much four years of college use ruins things in general).

It seems that the kinds of things I'm buying are the things that girls getting married put on their gift registry: serving spoons, a new comforter, some nice towels, new drinking glasses because most of mine are broken, some wall art, bath mats, a shower curtain. Not that I want to be getting married right now, but I'm just saying, other people could be buying this for me, haha. When I do get married, I don't even know what I'll ask for. Wedding china, I suppose.  I'm sure I'll find other things to ask for by then.

I'm pretty happy with where I'll be living. I'm very happy to at least have it settled and not have to think about it any more. We leave for Alaska on Monday, return the following Tuesday, and then a week later I can begin moving in if I want. Things are going to be fairly busy between now and the beginning of August, even though it seems like forever away. 

Enough for now. Might write more later.

There is no attribute more comforting to His children than that of God's Sovereignty. Under the most adverse circumstances, in the most severe trials, they believe that Sovereignty has ordained their afflictions, that Sovereignty overrules them, and that Sovereignty will sanctify them all. There is nothing for which the children ought more earnestly to contend than the doctrine of their Master over all creation--the Kingship of God over all the works of his own hands--the Throne of God and his right to sit upon that Throne.

C.H. Spurgeon in his sermon on Matthew 20:15 (via my church bulletin this morning)

Over a month into summer and I haven't accomplished much, but that's okay. It's not like there are impending deadlines right now, which is nice, for the first time in four years or so.

Mostly I just sit around and do nothing at home. I go to the Y almost every day and work out. I've been playing some in Second Life, learning Linden Script and how it works in general, since I'll have to figure all that out in the fall anyhow. I was kind of ambitious and downloaded about 10 scientific papers that I was going to read and make notes on, hoping to prepare for the fall too, but so far I've gotten halfway through one, hit the term "emotional octopus", and not started reading again. Typically over the summer I devour books, but this summer a stack sits at my bed and I mostly just stare at them apathetically, occasionally flipping through a few pages and then deciding shortly after that it's probably not worth the effort.

I just feel apathetic. It's not really that I don't care about things, but that it seems like there's not a point in caring. This summer feels like waiting for something to happen while completely lacking the power to actually make anything happen. Waiting for an apartment to work out for next semester, waiting to figure out all the things I need to buy to live there, waiting for school to begin so that they'll pay me the money that I need to buy these things. Waiting until my family vacations to Alaska. Waiting to see if distance is going to work out between Patrick and me. Waiting for friends to call back, or for opportunity to do anything, really. Most of the time I would tell myself to get over it and do something about all this myself, but I think this past academic year kind of wore me out and I don't feel like making the effort for anything at the moment.

At least I have the Y. Though I'm a little lazy and it's a battle to get there some days, I do enjoy what I do there because I can measure myself making progress--reps and sets complete, calories burned, weight lifted, miles run. It's nice to see numerical progress. Maybe I can trick myself into doing something progressive by counting pages read, books completed, or lines of code written. I don't know; we'll see. I'm just saying, I can't sit here and do nothing from now until August.

Besides the apathy, though, things are good. I am enjoying the time off and am glad that I can spend my time catching up with friends and family and overall just taking care of myself. Lots of heavy decisions and transitions are coming, but for now it's mostly smooth sailing.

All right, enough writing. Maybe I'll straighten up my room and finally delve into one of these books for real.

finals week

I've always felt like finals week is a terrible idea. There's just way too much going on at once. You're constantly stressed out because you're studying for all those final exams, and then on top of that, you're trying to pack all your things into boxes to go home, to say goodbyes to the people that you're not going to see for a while, and to enjoy the beautiful weather outside and the little bit of free time that a spaced-out exam schedule brings. Everyone's throwing parties and playing outside.

This year, I have gained a new hatred for finals week. I am admittedly apathetic about my finals--well, except for piano juries, because it's just embarrassing to play poorly in front of people--but there's plenty enough to keep me busy. I'm graduating, and that means saying forever goodbyes to a lot of people, and long-time goodbyes to more people, and it's just difficult. There's all this work to be done and all these boxes to be packed but instead I end up spending time with people. I don't think it's a choice I'll regret, but it's stressful.

Today was my last seminar at UNCC, and although I plan on coming up to say goodbye before I leave for Clemson in the fall, I already miss this place. I've worked here for two years, lived here for two summers, and have felt more at home here than at Winthrop many times. My lab coworkers were like family to me. I was convinced I was going to grad school here for nearly two years, and I had dreams and plans about living in this place, the things I would do, and the people I would spend time with. I miss how things used to be. I have so many memories here, and I miss the people that belong with them, because this entire year has been a slow drifting away from each of them for various reasons (too busy with schoolwork to spend much time here, no research mentor or project, people moving away, general group dynamics changing). I mean, very good things have happened, and I've made new friends, but I deeply miss how things were.

I know I will miss Winthrop. I will miss my professors, who have worked so hard to give me every opportunity they could to flourish during these four years. I will miss my friends; there are so many people here who I am very close to. I'm going to miss my roommate, Bethany--I couldn't ask for a better friend. I will miss Jason and Andrew (Chad's going to grad school with me), who have been in most of my undergrad classes. I'll miss all the people that I randomly run into on the sidewalk after not seeing them for a really long time, and the people I've kept up with for all four years, and the people I grew up with that I'll soon say goodbye to. And of course, I'll miss Patrick. I don't know how distance will affect our relationship.

I miss home. I want to go home and to let things be simple again. I'm afraid of moving away and being alone because I need people to take care of me and just be there to listen sometimes. Moving to a new place means starting over again, which is fun in many ways, but also tiring. There's no one there who automatically cares about me like my family does; I have to earn it. There's no one who knows my stories and looks out for my best interests like they do. I know it's not that far away and it's not that different than living on campus at Winthrop, but still, I feel very alone.

I wonder, is life always like this, a constant state of missing things? Is it always a looking back and remembering, wishing for things to stay the same, while being forced through quickly-moving time into whatever's next? I hope not. I don't think it will be. I think that transitions are difficult, and that this next year will not be fun, but that eventually I will get settled and be okay with things. I'll find a place to live and people to live with, I'll get some research established, I'll find a new church family, things will be okay. There's just a lot of questions right now and not a lot of easy answers. I'm still working on seeing this as an exciting opportunity and not only as something completely terrifying. 

Whatever comes, it is a comfort to know that God will always take care of me, no matter what. He always has and he always will. If I didn't have strong theology and tested faith I don't know how I would get through all this. I am so thankful for God's sovereignty and for his proven faithfulness.

All right, enough of that. Now, to dinner with my Bible study group!

a spontaneous haiku

leftover Chinese
now finger food--no clean forks.
this is college life.

sunday morning thought

from http://trevinwax.com/2009/03/21/how-scholarship-shields-us-from-the-bible/

“The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obligated to act accordingly.

“Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. How would I ever get on in the world? Herein lies the real place of Christian scholarship.

“Christian scholarship is the Church’s prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close.

“Oh, priceless scholarship, what would we do without you? Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God. Yes, it is even dreadful to be alone with the New Testament.”

- Soren Kierkegaard

recent reading

I used to just read the blogs of my friends to keep up with their lives--and I still do. However, lately, I've been enjoying reading blogs that are teaching me things, or that are written by people who are like me or that I want to grow up to be like. Here's a list of the ones I particularly enjoy lately:

twenty two words by Abraham Piper

http://www.twentytwowords.com

All posts are 22 words or fewer. Topics vary, but include: language, parenting, Christianity, random observations.

Sociological Images

http://contexts.org/socimages/

Images for use in sociology courses or discussions. They're interesting and show trends about the way we perceive or portray groups of people.

Geeky Mom

http://geekymom.blogspot.com/

teacher, wife, and mother.

See Jane Compute

http://scienceblogs.com/seejanecompute/

professor working towards tenure, wife, and mom

Yay for kind of connecting with some role models.

I was making tea at one of the coffee breaks today when I overheard a couple of professors talking to each other. One was saying how excited he was that his wife just got tenure, and how he taught at one school, she taught at another, and they were living somewhere about equidistant from the two. The other then said something like, "That's like me and my husband." And that made me smile. I'm forever worried about achieving work-life balance and trying to figure out what it looks like for me to be a professor somewhere and my husband to be working somewhere else and for there to be kids involved in there somewhere. But apparently, lots of people are doing it and are being fairly successful at it. I don't have a clear model of it to work from but at least I know that what I want has to be possible.

All right. Good night. Last day of the conference tomorrow.

appropriate for a conference attendance blog post

i am for serious going to use this template one day.

I got rejected from the IBM summer internship I applied for today. It was a quick rejection (I submitted earlier this week), at least they didn't prolong things. Oh well, I mostly wanted to stay home and do nothing all summer anyhow :)

In other news, my family is going to Alaska this summer for a bit over a week to celebrate my parents' 25th anniversary. I'm sure it'll be beautiful and all, and I look forward to the time spent with them...but we're going to be traveling in an RV while we're there and I don't know how I feel about being in such close quarters with them. I guess I'll have to get over it because that's what it looks like we're doing. And I'm not going to whine about it because I know how important it is to my parents for us to do this together and to enjoy it.

Today's a snow day. When I came out of my software engineering meeting, there were already a couple inches of snow on my car. Jason, Andrew, and I had a short snowball fight, then I went back to the apartment. Patrick & I went out and walked in it, then Bethany, Patrick, & I made apple cider and watched an episode of House together. We found out class was cancelled. I called home to let Mom know, and was getting sad because both my sisters were home and I wasn't. Well, Dad came out and brought me home. So now I'm here, and happy to be here.

I'm having such a hard time with homesickness lately. I know it makes no sense; I'm 20 minutes away most of the time. But I'm just thinking about how much things change next year. I've signed my academic year and summer away for a graduate assistantship, and I'm realizing that this is for real. I don't really want to move forward and be as independent as I'll have to be. I like it here, and in a whole lot of ways I think I'd like it even better if I could just go back home and be 17 again or something. As hard as I try to see opportunities and be excited, I am more terrified than anything. But I'm working through it and I'm trusting that I'll be ready for things when they come.

All right, it's bedtime.

and...for Kristen.

Hm. Haven't for real posted since the new year. Well, a whole bunch is happened since then and I know I can't cover it all. So here's a list.

- celebrated New Year's day with Patrick's family/family friends, when I tried oysters for the first time
- went to Rhode Island with Jason, Chad, and Andrew to visit Brown University. We stayed at Dr. DeNoia's house and heard good fishing stories from her husband and ate their tasty food. (Thanks, Mr. & Dr. DeNoia!)
- came back to school, still dreading the semester and all the changes it would bring
- a dear friend's dad died, was heartbroken for him (still am). The snow day came the day after I found out. After he called me I couldn't do work that evening, just called my family and cried. The snow was wonderful, like a reprieve, gave me a little time to refocus and get some work done.
- played in the snow with Patrick, we built a snowman
- dealt with some crazy drama going on with my friends, I don't even want to talk about it
- made chili for my UNCC friends one Friday
- had the Bible study group down and made spaghetti for them one Sunday
- Patrick surprised me and took me to see Rent, where we met Samantha & Evan, some other friends, that was really sweet
- made sushi for the super bowl with the Bible study friends
- hosted ACM speaker last week, he was pretty cool
- did a whole bunch of schoolwork
- failed at making petits four for Valentine's day
- succeeded at making gluten-free cake (from a mix)
- went home to spend time with my family a couple times, I'm more homesick every time I go home
- submitted a paper to INTERACT with VT people
- got a paper accepted into ACMSE with UNCC people
- had a lovely first non-single Valentine's day
- got my assistantship and fellowship letters from Clemson
- bought my cap and gown
- Bubbles, my fish, got sick twice, but he's all better now

...uhh, there's probably more. I can't remember it all. It's detailed in other journals, I'm sure. Overall it's just been really busy and really intense. All this thinking towards the coming transition wears me out. Generally I'm a pretty even-keel kind of girl. I don't get upset that often, I cry only rarely, I ignore things instead of turning them into huge issues. This is just not so this semester. I'm a mess. I'll cry at the drop of a hat. I run miles to get out all the tension. I hide under the covers and in video games and behind computer monitors to delay dealing with the inevitable. I've recently realized that this is most likely a selfish and ineffective way of dealing with things, and it probably isn't good for me or for the people I care about. I'm working on it, I promise. Just too much transition at once and too many unknowns. I'm breaking it into little pieces and taking them as I can. I'm trying to do better.

So there's a brief summary. I'd like to be a bit more reflective but there is no time for that. I'm looking forward to this weekend, not because I get a break, but because it presents two solid, uninterrupted work days that I desperately need. Despite my greatest efforts, I am terribly behind in most everything. So, in lieu of a blog post during the next two or so weeks of my life, here's a list of what I will be doing:

- making a poster to present at SIGCSE
- presenting that poster at SIGCSE
- visiting Kevin, Emily, & Chloe in Knoxville
- submitting camera-ready version of my paper for ACMSE
- building a website for myself
- submitting an internship application to IBM
- practicing piano lots
- filling out bunches of SLC event reports
- assigning tasks to my SLC team and being their Junior Achievement contact
- planning and hosting ACM meetings
- planning & helping to host a Women in STEM lunch
- writing a paper for my religion class
- finishing implementation of my project for software engineering
- dealing with whatever other chaos that ensues; I'm sure there will be plenty of it

so there.
more later. probably much later.

from 22 words (twentytwowords.com)

A Valentine reminder for those in unlikely love.

February 14, 2009 at 7:23 am · Filed under Love, Quotes

Charity:

But marry you! How could we get married…?

Sid:

The question is not how we’d manage, it’s do you want to.

(Crossing to Safety, 82)

yeah, I know, nothing but reposts lately. I can't get through all my schoolwork long enough to sit and write.

speaking of schoolwork, I should be working on a study guide right now.

hahahaha.

from thisisindexed.com

I have important things to write about, but no time to do that. Maybe tomorrow?

i enjoyed this.

http://www.lifebeyondcode.com/2009/01/22/insights-from-steve-jobs/

a weightier blog post coming later this weekend; I have a whole lot to write about.