I get angry sometimes when I talk to people about my fellowship. I'm really thankful for it and most days I think it's too good to be true. But when talking about it, people say things like, "Oh, you got lucky!", to which I think, it's not like NSF rolled dice and happened to come up with my number. But that's not so bad because we toss around luck to mean a lot of things. The ones that really get me are the true statements. "Oh, well, because you applied to Clemson and that's a smaller school in the south and they're worried about geographic distribution you had a better chance," and "Because you're a woman your proposal was considered for two funding options!"
Both true. But can't I have also just flat out earned it? Is it inconceivable that my proposal was actually good and that NSF thought that I had the intellecual merit and the broader impacts that all the other fellowship recipients did, male or female, undergraduate or graduate, from MIT or from some tiny school in the south?
I am thankful that NSF tries to make things fair and I think that's good. And I know that people saying this to me mean nothing by what they're saying, but it feels like they're trying to explain away any of my effort and attribute the award to qualifications I really had no control over. It's just irritating to have worked really hard for something and to have that work totally discounted.
The end.
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3 comments:
Oh honey... I KNOW you earned it! You worked your butt off for it, did tons of research, worked/studied crazy hours! NSF probably thought that THEY were the lucky ones, because one of their favorite/most meritorious applicants was happily also a woman in an ideal area, and they didn't have to bother themselves with possibly having to choose a less worthy applicant based upon these quota-type characteristics.
well, i think you totally earned it. i am proud of you!
pj
I must say, that if your college working routine was anything like how you seemed to be in high school, then you have worked your butt off to get where you are and you most certainly deserve it, regardless as to where you graduated from and the fact that you are a woman. You always were an incredibly smart woman, and I can't imagine what they would have said no to, which is why they chose you!
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