during class today

as soon as I hit the "post" button, person goes to trashcan and pulls out stick figure.

just so you know.

today in between classes

Person is standing at side of class near door holding book. He looks confused. As soon as conversation dies down: "Okay, I'm really really depressed. I need you to do something that will make me happy."

Class is sympathetic. Everyone asks why, he says he can't talk about it. I draw a happy stick figure and give it to him. He takes it, walks out the door and throws it away on the way out.

Aww. Rejected.

thinking about this poem lately

All this flashy rhetoric about loving you.

I never had a selfless thought since I was born.

I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;

I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure are the goals I seek,

I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;

I talk of love--a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--

But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

-- C.S. Lewis

Selfish love is not love at all. I'm pretty sure that there are people who love me selflessly and I'm also pretty sure that I'm bad at that. I want to get better at showing real love to the people around me...may God grant me the grace and character to do so.

yay.

Still a whole bunch to do, still a lot to deal with, but hours of sleep, a couple miles of running, some food, and some other stuff has made life a good bit happier :)

Now watching House and writing a paper. I suppose I'll write more when I have more time...

exhausted.

physically, emotionally, mentally. this month has absolutely devastated me.

Last Sunday I finally sat still long enough to process a chunk of all the things that have just happened to me and I cried for a good hour. There are more tears to come, I just have to deal with it in little slices. It's not like any one thing has been incredibly detrimental, but everything together has just worn away at me. I want to hide from everything for a few days but I can't afford to do that because there are still things to be done, and the problems follow me wherever I am. 

I feel broken. I am always tired and cold and hungry, but I can't sleep at nights, I can't change the weather, and when I make food I lose my appetite. I haven't been going to the gym in the mornings like usual because the last time I tried that I got really dizzy and thought I was going to die. I realize that right now I sound like a depressed, anorexic person, haha. I'm not, I promise. I think I am just exhausted...I'm confident that this is going to fix itself with enough sleep and food that's good for me and getting back into a workable routine. I am taking Benadryl tonight so I won't wake up, and I don't have to be anywhere until 2 tomorrow, and I bet that more than 6 hours of sleep is going to fix a lot of things.

So what's happened lately? A bunch. I submitted my GRF application. I found out that the friend I was planning to live with at Clemson is probably not even going there, and I found out that all my friends here violently oppose my going to Clemson at all. I submitted my Clemson application, haha. I visited Clemson and ate dinner with the Hodges. 

I took a test in each of my classes, I took the computer science GRE, I made at least four batches of cookies for various occasions, I helped throw a Halloween party. I played Bach's Invention 13 in rep class, I completed a software engineering deliverable, I worked on a program for hours yet did not complete it on time. I voted for the first time. I planned a Girl Scouts event and put it into the hands of other capable people. I wrote detailed mentoring plans for five people. I spoke at FMHS career day, wrote all kinds of thank you notes, got a paper accepted into SIGCSE, went to the opera for the first time, participated in programming competition in Savannah. I found out one of my cousins attempted suicide (and lived) and have been broken by the aftermath of that, knowing that to my whole family it is an echo of my grandma's suicide nine years ago, I've hoped to spend time with my sister while she was home from college but found that she was busy with friends so we couldn't, I've thrown two dinner parties, I've dealt with friends' drama and a stressed out roommate. I've had more boy drama in the past three weeks than in the rest of my life combined...some good things, some bad things, some things I don't even have categories for. 

I've felt completely alone sometimes, completely understood other times, and at the end of all this my accomplishments ring empty. It kind of sucks. I do all this work for silly numbers. So, I went out last night and bought some yarn and a crochet hook. That way I can sit here and make a scarf and see something tangible come together quickly as I work on it. It's instant gratification. It makes me happy. Now to shake free of this apathy about all else and keep pushing towards the end of this semester. I need Christmas break desperately, but three grad school applications and a whole bunch of school stuff stands in between now and then. I have to be persistent and disciplined.

* sigh *

Cheerier days soon. This is almost over! I say this to my friends a lot but sometimes I need to be reminded myself. I think I will start a countdown somewhere. It will be good. :)

hope everything is going well for you!

broken?

is blogger broken for everyone or just me?

i need to use my blog more.

I'm learning a whole lot right now and I should be writing about it but I am so overwhelmed with work right now :( In the next two weeks I have the following things to do:

- submit NSF Graduate Research Fellowship application (personal statement, research plan, previous research statement)

- study for and take computer science GRE

- network processing test

- software engineering test

- 431 programming assignment

- mentoring plans for five people

- event reports for about 50 hours worth of stuff 

- plan Girl Scouts event

- software engineering project specifications due

- volunteer time at Adult Day Care Center

- memorize piano piece

- play in piano repertoire class

So...I'm doing okay so far, except that I'm so stressed out that I can barely bring myself to eat :P It's okay though, I keep making myself eat little things. I've also started running in the mornings again and that makes me feel better. I'm also trying to get back to going to bed at 12 and getting up at 7 or 7:30. I can work better this way. I've also scheduled out my week and am trying to stick to it so that I get everything done in time.

More than anything right now I appreciate the supportive people around me. I have awesome family, friends, and professors, and I plan on writing a whole bunch of thank you notes very soon to everyone who's helped me so much this semester. I know that a lot of them don't realize how much they mean to me and I need to be sure to communicate that. It's like the world has bent around me in so many ways this semester; I ask for things and they're done. I don't deserve the kindness others show me. I am so thankful to God for letting all these people be a part of my life.

I also need to apologize to a lot of people...and probably to the same people I'll be thanking. I get so focused in on the things that I need to be doing that I forget to care about others, and the people I am closest to get the worst of that. They hear all my whining and have to deal with me when I'm difficult to work with and don't get much in return for it. I want to be a better student/friend/family member/church member/Christ follower/servant...okay, a better person overall. I need better balance. I'm working on it and getting better but I'm not there yet.

I'm truly thankful and truly repentant. I'm changing for the better. You'll hear about it as I have time to blog. In the meantime, thanks so much to all of you who have been there and put up with my stupidity. I love you all.

Mk. Back to class. Hope all is going well for you :)