Last Sunday I finally sat still long enough to process a chunk of all the things that have just happened to me and I cried for a good hour. There are more tears to come, I just have to deal with it in little slices. It's not like any one thing has been incredibly detrimental, but everything together has just worn away at me. I want to hide from everything for a few days but I can't afford to do that because there are still things to be done, and the problems follow me wherever I am.
I feel broken. I am always tired and cold and hungry, but I can't sleep at nights, I can't change the weather, and when I make food I lose my appetite. I haven't been going to the gym in the mornings like usual because the last time I tried that I got really dizzy and thought I was going to die. I realize that right now I sound like a depressed, anorexic person, haha. I'm not, I promise. I think I am just exhausted...I'm confident that this is going to fix itself with enough sleep and food that's good for me and getting back into a workable routine. I am taking Benadryl tonight so I won't wake up, and I don't have to be anywhere until 2 tomorrow, and I bet that more than 6 hours of sleep is going to fix a lot of things.
So what's happened lately? A bunch. I submitted my GRF application. I found out that the friend I was planning to live with at Clemson is probably not even going there, and I found out that all my friends here violently oppose my going to Clemson at all. I submitted my Clemson application, haha. I visited Clemson and ate dinner with the Hodges.
I took a test in each of my classes, I took the computer science GRE, I made at least four batches of cookies for various occasions, I helped throw a Halloween party. I played Bach's Invention 13 in rep class, I completed a software engineering deliverable, I worked on a program for hours yet did not complete it on time. I voted for the first time. I planned a Girl Scouts event and put it into the hands of other capable people. I wrote detailed mentoring plans for five people. I spoke at FMHS career day, wrote all kinds of thank you notes, got a paper accepted into SIGCSE, went to the opera for the first time, participated in programming competition in Savannah. I found out one of my cousins attempted suicide (and lived) and have been broken by the aftermath of that, knowing that to my whole family it is an echo of my grandma's suicide nine years ago, I've hoped to spend time with my sister while she was home from college but found that she was busy with friends so we couldn't, I've thrown two dinner parties, I've dealt with friends' drama and a stressed out roommate. I've had more boy drama in the past three weeks than in the rest of my life combined...some good things, some bad things, some things I don't even have categories for.
I've felt completely alone sometimes, completely understood other times, and at the end of all this my accomplishments ring empty. It kind of sucks. I do all this work for silly numbers. So, I went out last night and bought some yarn and a crochet hook. That way I can sit here and make a scarf and see something tangible come together quickly as I work on it. It's instant gratification. It makes me happy. Now to shake free of this apathy about all else and keep pushing towards the end of this semester. I need Christmas break desperately, but three grad school applications and a whole bunch of school stuff stands in between now and then. I have to be persistent and disciplined.
* sigh *
Cheerier days soon. This is almost over! I say this to my friends a lot but sometimes I need to be reminded myself. I think I will start a countdown somewhere. It will be good. :)
hope everything is going well for you!
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