finals, finally

This semester has seemed eternally long and infinitesimally short at the same time. January seems a lifetime ago but I'm still not sure what happened to the time between now and then. I remember going to California, being sick for one week, throwing a couple parties, going out to eat a few times, and meeting some deadlines that seemed impossible, but other than that it seems that my weeks have disappeared into nothing. Strange.

I don't feel like I've learned enough academically to merit an accomplished semester. I feel like I've learned enough personally to be the equivalent of five years of life, though. In many ways this semester's been quite a stretch. I found myself to be capable of a lot more than I thought I was as far as getting things accomplished, and I found myself to be far more patient with people than I thought I could be. Countless times I was at my breaking point but somehow magically (or better expressed, by God's grace and his character in me) my mouth stayed shut and I continued to serve gracefully.

I've learned a thousand other things more difficult to express concisely.

The semester's just left me tired and emotional. I'm not enjoying the goodbyes that I'm saying, and not looking forward to the many others I'll be saying next year. I feel out of balance and in disorder, desperately seeking for some form of stability and routine but finding none. It's just been like that all semester. I schedule things neatly into my calendar and then they take longer or shorter or fall through or change and it makes me tired to keep up with it all. Oh well. That's just the way it is at the moment, and it will get better, no doubt.

I'm ending this a little nervous about what's to come. New research this summer. Senior year without research, and the impending grad school applications--can't delay it any longer. And grad school stuff is a whole new flavor of scariness in itself. I'm not going to think about it right now.

I think I am just too tired for things to make a lot of sense. I haven't been sleeping well (nervous about exams) or eating well (never hungry) and that's not good for me. I'm working to get back into balance, though. Early bedtime tonight, and a pretty chill day tomorrow. Vicky, Joshua, and Kyle are all coming to Meck (church) with me in the morning, and then Lane & I were going to do this thing with making a Wiimote an IR camera but I think he's staying home instead, so if not I'll just end up out in the sunshine somewhere studying. I need to get away from this place. Can't focus here because there are boxes and such all over the place.

Somehow this song has been comforting to me lately:

There ain’t no reason things are this way.
Its how they always been and they intend to stay.
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.
Preachers on the podium speakin’ of saints,
Prophets on the sidewalk beggin’ for change,
Old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name.
I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same,
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing,
You can spend your whole life workin’ for something
Just to have it taken away.
People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.
People walk a tight rope on a razors edge
Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons.
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pen
Or a thought or a word or a sentence.

There ain't no reason things are this way.
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I don’t know why I say the things I say, but I say them anyway.
But Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free,I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

Prison walls still standing tall,
Some things never change at all.
Keep on buildin’ prisons, gonna fill them all,
Keep on buildin’ bombs, gonna drop them all.
Working your fingers bear to the bone,
Breaking your back, make you sell your soul.
Like a lung that’s filled with coal, suffocatin’ slow.
The wind blows wild and I may move,
The politicians lie and I am not fooled.
You don't need no reason or a three piece suit to argue the truth.
The air on my skin and the world under my toes,
Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes,
Chaos and commotion wherever I go, Love I try to follow.

Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

There ain't no reason things are this way
It’s how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.

--brett dennen/ain't no reason

Well that's enough for now. I need to start a study guide or three.