break (so far)

I have been home for three and a half days and it has been absolutely glorious. I haven't written a line of code or read a sentence of a textbook. Victoria & I joined the Y for this gap month and have been going to work out together every morning. I've been to two parties, spent plenty of time with family, and completed most of my Christmas shopping. And today, I got up, went to the gym, put back on my pajamas, and sat around forever. I was going to go to the Sarahs' Christmas party but I had a headache so I just stayed in. It was wonderful.

Speaking of wonderful :), on Tuesday Patrick brought me these beautiful flowers that I have in my room now--lilies, chrysanthemums, carnations, daisies, some other stuff mixed in. They make me smile. Things are going well between us. He's coming up for his church's Christmas Eve service, and I'm going with him to it. That should be good.

I'm enjoying spending time with my sisters. Victoria and I have done a bunch together and that's been good. Briana and I haven't got to hang out much but we have been beating each other up as usual, so I've enjoyed that, haha. I love my family. I'm not sure there are any others like us. But I think it's great that my sisters and I are 21, 18, and 13, and still wrestling each other to the ground, and that Mom, Victoria, and I randomly drift into heated theological conversations, that we make art out of tangerine peels at breakfast, and that decapitated gingerbread people are legitimate works of art in our household. I love it. Go ahead, you can think we're all crazy, but I wouldn't want it any other way :)

I anxiously await my class grades. Those last two weeks were intense. I've never worked so hard as I did the week following Thanksgiving with all those projects due. I was sleeping far too little and writing code for 6 and 8 hours at a time. It was terrible, and I have no idea how my grades will turn out, but we'll find out in a few days. I'm not even thinking about next semester until later. I can't handle any more class right now.

In other school-related news, on Tuesday I think I finally decided that I'm definitely going to Clemson and I may not even fill out any grad school apps. I don't know, I just think I belong there. It feels right. And if I hate it, I'll finish out my masters there and go somewhere else for the Ph.D. I'm not giving an official answer yet. I'm not quitting my other applications yet. But I think I'm getting closer being okay with making those decisions.

Well, I think that's all to report on that's of significance. I'm sure there will be more reflection later. Not being in class all the time frees me to think about other things like God and myself and overall just processing everything that's happened in the past semester because it's felt like a blur. It'll come clear later when I have time to think about it. 

If I don't write before, I hope that you all have an awesome Christmas :)

Can I just tell you how nice it is to be called anything but "smart" sometimes?

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate your respect for my intellect, and I want that to be one of my better qualities. But I hope that there are other adjectives that describe me as well. For the sake of humility, I will not list the characteristics that I aspire to embody, but I'm just saying, thank you to anyone who's ever used another word to describe me. 

I don't want intelligence to be my ultimate value.

that's all.

come on, guys.

from http://xkcd.com/513/

Sad story. It happens a lot.

Step up, ask the girl out. There's no gain without risk.

break (almost)

Well, classes are over until next Monday. I desperately need this break. I am exhausted in so many ways. But I'm staying here tonight and working on my schoolwork so that I can hopefully take a few days off to spend with my family and to not do schoolwork. I really don't want to do any schoolwork Wednesday-Friday. I'm trying to make that my goal. 

I got back a test today that I made a 95 on. I'm really proud of that. I studied so hard for that test. I'm trying so hard to do well in that class but it's very challenging for me. As soon as I get back, I have three projects due: finishing up software engineering stuff, a network processing application I need to write, and a program in Scheme that is killing me. Besides that, I'd like to have all my grad school apps out by December 7 or so. I also need to get in a good bit of piano practice; juries will be here soon. Other than those few outstanding items, I'm on track to end the semester well. There's SLC stuff to be done but I think I can handle it.

This semester has been incredibly intense in every aspect. I don't think I have ever been so stretched, but I'm making it. I'm very ready for it to be over though. I need rest and time to process all that has happened.

In other news...I am "Facebook official"-ly in a relationship :) Patrick has been a bright spot in the otherwise chaos of everything else the past month or so. He treats me so well and I'm really thankful. This is a bit of a first for me and I'm really afraid of making mistakes but I guess there's no choice but to figure it out as I go.

I called Mom to tell her yesterday before she saw it on Facebook, and I told her I'd tell Dad later since Dad was kind of having a bad day. I'm going to tell him over Thanksgiving. This whole thing is awkward. "Hi Dad, I know this is totally irrelevant to whatever we're doing, but I wanted you to know that I'm dating someone." I have no idea what his reaction will be. Mom called me back today and wanted to make sure I knew that Dad wouldn't be angry when I told him. Well, I'd hope not. I'm 21 years old and these kinds of things are bound to happen sometime. 

Mom said, "Well, in a little way you'll be breaking his heart, that his little girl is growing up." Well, that made me cry a little. I hate growing up, especially when I know how hard it is on my parents. But what can you do? It's life; this is the way things happen. Whatev. We'll work through it and it will be okay.

All right, it's time for less blogging and more coding. And also time for dinner :) Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

during class today

as soon as I hit the "post" button, person goes to trashcan and pulls out stick figure.

just so you know.

today in between classes

Person is standing at side of class near door holding book. He looks confused. As soon as conversation dies down: "Okay, I'm really really depressed. I need you to do something that will make me happy."

Class is sympathetic. Everyone asks why, he says he can't talk about it. I draw a happy stick figure and give it to him. He takes it, walks out the door and throws it away on the way out.

Aww. Rejected.

thinking about this poem lately

All this flashy rhetoric about loving you.

I never had a selfless thought since I was born.

I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;

I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure are the goals I seek,

I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;

I talk of love--a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--

But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

-- C.S. Lewis

Selfish love is not love at all. I'm pretty sure that there are people who love me selflessly and I'm also pretty sure that I'm bad at that. I want to get better at showing real love to the people around me...may God grant me the grace and character to do so.